Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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