I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
