im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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