Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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