Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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