White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
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My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
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I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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