I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
