I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating