Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.