I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.