Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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