He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
