I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I forgot wine drunk hurts
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
