So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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