So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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