brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
