i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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