two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
