i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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