Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
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This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
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I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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