you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
We got so high we made milksteak
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
