I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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