My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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