i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
