My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
