remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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