theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
