It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
