there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
