listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
