Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
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I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
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Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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