got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
