It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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