Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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