I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
