Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
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the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I just burned my penis
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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