did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
