burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
