Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
