He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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