she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
