i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
