just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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