I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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