i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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