Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
