When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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