Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
