you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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