the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
