I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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