he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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