she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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