Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
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