Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
