Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
