i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
