i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My penis needs a shock collar
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
