I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
